You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
