I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize