I just threw up on my dentist
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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