My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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