my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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