Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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