Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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