My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
