I think my vagina is haunted
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
