I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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