If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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