I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
