hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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