she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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