After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
