glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
