your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
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