Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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