He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
