I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
