omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
