Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
