just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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