everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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