I checked into jail on foursquare
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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