I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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