well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
