Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
