she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
