THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
