I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
