You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
