Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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