True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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