There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
