first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
