Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
