do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We need to get me chipped asap
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
