wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
