so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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