i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Found your dick twin last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
