I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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