so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
