is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize