Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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