He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
