Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
