and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
