You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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