Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
