overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize