i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
