Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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