I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize