I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
How external is "for external use only"?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
