its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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